Subtle self-sabotage

I don’t know what it is, but self-sabotage sounds so scary to me.

Which is funny because I am well aware that I do it a lot. Maybe ever so slightly less than I used to, but it is still something I fall into the trap of on too regular a basis for me to be happy with.

How do I know when I am self-sabotaging?

I can feel it. I can feel it as I pick up my phone instead of typing the first few words on the Word Doc to get the ball rolling.

I can feel it when I load another episode of a show I have been watching instead of getting up to go for a walk or to the gym.

I can feel it when I get in bed and open social media on my phone instead of picking up my book.

It is the feeling that, despite my want to do something positive and maybe even productive, I am choosing to do the thing that, in the moment, doesn’t really illicit any real feeling.

Self-sabotage is compounding.

In the moment, it is unlikely that you feel you are doing anything that negative for yourself and hey, sometimes you aren’t.

There is nothing wrong with binge-watching a TV show you are enjoying. There is nothing wrong with scrolling through social media and giggling at silly videos, and perhaps most importantly, there is nothing wrong with resting when your body is telling you it needs it.

Where these things become self-sabotage is when they are done so consistently that you hardly notice them creeping up on you until another week or month has gone by and you haven’t done much towards your goals or challenged yourself positively for so long that the thought of doing it feels, well, scary.

These compounding behaviours are among the more subtle ways we can sabotage ourselves.

We may also find ourselves waiting for the “right” moment. Spoiler alert, it doesn’t exist. Now, I must admit, I am a little bit of a believer in where there might not be a “right” moment, there certainly is sometimes a “better” moment. However, when it comes to a creative pursuit or… Going for a run, this is rarely the case.

We can often convince ourselves that planning is going to set us up for success when we do finally take the leap at that elusive “right” moment, but and this feels pointed now, you can’t plan everything.

You have to just take the leap, and it will feel uncomfortable, but that is where the true growth is.

This is one of the prime examples of self-sabotage, often appearing as fear masquerading as logic. We try to plan for every possible twist and turn to avoid actually showing up, doing the work and maybe being surprised by what pops up along the way.

As mentioned, this feels a little pointed because I am a serial planner. I plan how I am going to make a plan about what I need to plan. I say it is my Virgo Sun, but really, it probably stems from a fear of discomfort, a fear of being seen to be trying and a fear of the unexpected.

I doubt that I will completely throw caution to the wind and stop planning altogether, but I have embarked on a year-long experiment over on my social media accounts and YouTube channel called “The Year of ‘Actually Trying’”, and that will not only be forcing me to be seen trying but I can tell you now that I will feel uncomfortable about it.

The point of this year is that I am trying various things I have always wanted to be able to do (write more, play piano, learn French, share more online, etc…) on a public platform, which doesn’t leave room for self-sabotage because I have made the commitment to myself to keep showing up.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not writing this from some higher plane where I have discovered how to only focus on the things that will move me forward creatively, physically, financially… Spiritually. I have picked up my phone at least three times since I started writing this post.

But what I have managed to identify are the things that I do to self-sabotage when there is something creatively challenging or mentally and physically rewarding that I should, or maybe even need to, do, but am doing everything but.

Identifying the self-sabotage activities you engage in is the first step toward understanding where your need to engage in them stems from.

Now, there are some ways to work against your need to self-sabotage rather than with it, but I will preface them by saying that perhaps the most important place to start is to figure out why you self-sabotage. What unmet need does it stem from? Is it fear-based?

This involves doing inner work through journaling, reflection, and, in some cases, conversations with a therapist or counsellor.

If you are using journaling to work through these feelings, then some helpful prompts could be:

• What are the goals I have wanted to achieve, and why haven’t I got there yet?

• Why am I uncomfortable with the idea of making progress?

• What makes me feel confident? And how can I implement more of that?

 Once you have unlocked the source of your moments of self-sabotage, you can build a stronger foundation to work through them.

There will still be plenty of times when the urge to self-sabotage gets the better of you; that happens to everyone, but with a strong foundation to return to and rebuild from, you are starting off from a better, more secure place than before.

Another step to consider when working to overcome your moments of self-sabotage is building identity-based habits. This means focusing more on who you want to be rather than just what you want to do.

This can be an effective strategy as it helps you to align and show up more authentically. When we show up authentically for ourselves, it is easier to stick to our goals or plans, as they feel more achievable and truer to who we are.

Finally, it can be helpful to work on normalising your setbacks. Because, well, they are normal.

No one is going full steam ahead day in, day out, constantly feeling completely aligned with themselves, who they want to be, and what they want to achieve.

That is just impossible.

So, normalising setbacks and treating them as learning opportunities or moments for growth makes the whole process of getting out of your own way and creating what you want just that little bit less scary.