Self-compassion as a practice
I recently shared a post and video called 'Reframing as a trust practice', and some of the feedback I received on it got me thinking about how we can have more compassion for ourselves.
There was a theme in the feedback: people were saying that the advice gave them permission to feel safe and supported, and that made me want to expand on the topic a little, because I don't think cultivating self-compassion is easy or always comes naturally to us at all. There can also be some confusing conversations about self-compassion in the personal development space, so in this post, I am going to share what being on your own side actually means to me.
What Self-Compassion Isn't (And Why The Confusion Matters)
I think it is important to address the confusion first, because I think the misunderstanding is part of the problem, one of the blocks that stops people from feeling like they are even allowed to have compassion towards themselves.
Self-compassion is not a face mask and a bubble bath, although sometimes that is a very lovely thing to do for yourself. It is not giving yourself a permanent pass on everything difficult, and it is not falling into the toxic positivity trap of avoiding accountability. It is also not the same as self-esteem.
The version of self-compassion I am talking about does not ask you to bypass accountability or pretend everything is fine; you can be compassionate towards yourself and still be honest with yourself. In fact, I would argue that real self-compassion requires honesty; you cannot be truly kind to yourself about something you have not fully assessed and accepted.
What Self-Compassion Actually Is
So what is self-compassion? The simplest definition I have come across is this: talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you love.
That is it, that is the whole practice, in one sentence, and I kind of feel like I should be ending the post there now, but not just yet, let's get into it a little more.
So many of us would never dream of speaking to a loved one the way that we speak to ourselves, and yet we still tell ourselves we are not good enough, or that there is no way out, whenever we get the chance.
I have sometimes found that reflecting on my struggles or difficulties and knowing that whatever I am going through has probably been experienced by someone else can be comforting. Knowing that there is a shared experience out there and finding people online, or in my circle, can be incredibly grounding. When I lost my mum, I spent a lot of time consuming media about grief, stories, memoirs, and films, and finding this shared experience through that was so helpful when it came to allowing myself to have self-compassion.
A Journaling Practice To Help You Get There
A really helpful practice if you feel like you are stuck in a cycle of unkind self-talk, particularly if you notice that the way you are speaking to yourself about a situation is not how you would ever treat a friend, is guided journaling. Some prompts I find useful are:
What would I say to a friend in this situation? Write those words to yourself.
What is a way you have been critical of yourself recently? Rewrite it from a place of kindness and compassion.
How might a current struggle relate to the shared human experience?
How can I take care of myself right now, even in the smallest way?
Describe three instances of resilience you have experienced recently.
What do I need right now — rest, kindness, space, or support?
What Self-Compassion Looks Like In Practice
For me, self-compassion in practice starts with an internal voice check. When I notice the self-critical spiral beginning, I try to pause and ask: would I say this to someone I love? And the answer is almost always no. So why am I saying it to myself?
Journaling is also a really effective way of shifting that critical voice. There is something about addressing yourself directly on the page that creates a compassionate distance almost instantly, like you can see yourself more clearly when you are writing to yourself than when you are just inside your own head.
In the moments where self-compassion feels harder to reach, through difficult situations at work or in your personal life, the practice may become less about reframing and more about simply acknowledging. I think we can underestimate how powerful it is to have our thoughts and feelings acknowledged, even just by ourselves. That acknowledgement can become a really important first step to being able to move through something difficult rather than getting stuck inside it.
How To Start Building The Practice
Self-compassion is not a personality trait that you either have or don't. It is something you build, slowly, through practice, and like any practice, it will be easier on some days than others.
If you are not sure where to start, try the journal prompts above. Write about a difficult situation you are in. Acknowledge it for yourself, even if you are not ready to discuss it with anyone else yet. Write what you would say to a friend, but address it to yourself, or simply make a list of all the things that make you feel like yourself again, so you can look back at it when you need a reminder of what will help.
And if you are finding it particularly hard to access any kindness towards yourself right now, that is exactly the kind of thing I love working through with people, so please feel free to get in touch.